Finals week reprieve--Workshop

The creative writing workshop is a strange place.

If you are presenting you sit in silence and write down what the other people say that you think is important. I usually write it all down, which is difficult when people talk fast.

But this only works if the people do what they are supposed to do, namely read my story/poem before workshop, think about it, and write comments and ask questions.

Oftentimes that doesn't happen, they read it 5 mins before class, underline a word or two, write "That's dope" or put a star next to a line or something. I use to just shrug it off: whatever, you didn't read my poem, maybe you'll read the next one.

But when I look over the critiques I get back, where people have doodled all over my papers, I see how the vast majority of people did it 5 mins before class, or during the workshop. When I go to write a second draft useful critiques are in short supply and its very unhelpful to have so little. It bothers me, a lot. But it doesn't bother me because I am inconvenienced.

The reasons it bothers me: 1st, I take my writing seriously, and I take the writing of other seriously. 2nd, those slackers expect me to give them a thorough critique, which I do because it is required. But I think what bothers me the most is that those people get a passing grade just like I do, and they are ok with that, allowing mediocrity to flourish.

My advanced poetry workshop this quarter was awesomes. It was eight people and about 4 hours. They got into the nitty gritty and really ripped it apart. It was great.

Prose poetry on the other hand had about 15 people, 3 of which read my poem before class and wrote meaningful comments. The rest wrote down the things that the professor said. Like he said, "A prose poem has to get beyond it's subject, Brian." and 12 papers get returned to me that say, "A prose poem has to get beyond it's subject, Brian."

I guess I take objection with the mindset that that is an ok thing to do.

There is no story here.

I guess I am just whining.

Sorry.

Finals week reprieve--Strengths

As I understand it form my peers:

As a writer, my strength lies in description and attention to detail. I really focus on things, often times to the detriment of a story. I know this, and I don't know why I do it. I have to consciously reign it in, because people don't want to read that unless it is pertinent to the story.

Left to my own devices I would just describe the hell out of something and have the glimmer of a plot that would tie multiple descriptions together, and the flow of the language and words would be enough to enjoy.

I don't know why I am interested in describing things. It's the poet in me I guess. I have mostly written poetry recently with Advanced poetry and Prose poetry both this quarter, which would mean I have taken mostly poetry classes overall despite my nonfiction emphasis. And as it turns out prose poetry is really good for meditations, descriptions and sounds. So I can get my kicks with prose poetry and write other things.

Another strength I have is my intellect. I am not saying this to brag. I have a high intelligent quotient which allows me to learn new things quickly and remember a lot of stuff. The trick is to take that stuff and present it in simple terms to share with a reader how/why it matters. I oftentimes use my knowledge and intellect to place things in my writing to distract from the fact that I don't have much to say. I use this often, and I have gotten into this habit so much that I use it in social situations and around people. I do it to add to the conversation, not to be pretentious and say, "Hey look what I know that you don't," for example I was talking poetic theory with a friend and I quoted Aristotle's Poetics to make a point, and my friend said it was really cool that I was able to accurately quote Aristotle poignantly because it added to the conversation. One time in advanced fiction class we did an exercise where we given words and had to write a story. One of my words was "Wolf" Earlier that day I had learned there were less than 250k wolves left in the wild, so I put that in there and Erin said, "Only Brian would know something like that. It's totally him." Later we talked about it and I said it was this thing that I milk, like an udder, to fill my story up. She said hers was digressions. I like her digressions, she likes my random ass knowledge, so I guess I should embrace it as distinctly mine and incorporate it more often. Some people, Erin included, like to learn stuff when they read. I do too, so I regularly include stuff that I think most people don't know. Which causes me to over look or pass things up that I think aren't interesting enough to write about and find things that are eccentric and eclectic and oftentimes obscure.

Couple all this with my desire to have a lot of love and attention and you have my reason for writing. I write to entertain, to teach, and to have people tell me how cool it was, or how much they enjoyed it. I don't know why I do this. I must be odd. I want to be the smart guy in the room, but not the asshole smart guy.

It can be a fine line and I am good at walking it.

finals week reprieve--tommy has a pingin flap

While I was away at school my brother and my woman continued to create weird inside joke sillyness with our animals.

some highlights:

A cat we had named Arrow was very grumpy. When he was picked up he growled. A deep long growl like it belonged to a puma. rooowwwwwwwww! So Kevin, randomly, would squeeze the cat in such a way that he looked like an accordion which fluctuated his rowww-ing: roOW-ow-OW-OW-OW! for example.

Our dog Buddy, a chocolate lab who is really the sweetest most chill dog we have ever had became the object of sillyness when Kevin picked him up and sat down with him in such a way that Buddy's feet were facing the ceiling. Then Laura would ask a question, such as, "Who is a pooping machine?" And then Kevin would press on Buddy's elbow which would cause his paw to raise straight up in the air as though he were raising his hand to answer a question. All manner of questions could be asked, as long as the answer was always, "Me."

One of our cats Jasmine (AKA Jazzy, Murrs, Black Ball of Death (BBD) and Stupid Cat!, but mostly Murrs.) has her ears flipped inside out by Kevin at the cries of the rest of the family and then lets her go so she can walk about the house with inside out ears. The ones most bothered by this is everyone else, Murrs doesn't seem to care. But everyone chases after her to correct her inside out ears and scold Kevin at the same time.

So the new thing has been to take our big flabby cat Tommy, a tabby with patterns like an Ocelot, and hold her in front of himself like a rabbit. He holds her back feet with one hand and under her arms in the other and stretchers her out. Then he places something on her feet, like a plastic easter egg or a battery and scrunches her together. Her stomach flab comes plops down and oozes over the egg or battery or whatever and he says, "Tommy has a Pingin flap!" which is from Laura mispronouncing Penguin all the time.

I don't know why they do that. It is always the same.

Finals week reprieve--Hands Free July 1st, its the law.

Before it was illegal to drive and use a cellphone I noticed how many black light bulb billboards said the same thing one day on my way to school. The black light bulb billboards usually give time estimates to upcoming junctions or tell us to look for a certain kind of car that has abducted a child. But on the weeks before July first every sign said the same thing:

Hands free July 1st
It's the law.

I had no idea what they were talking about. I later assumed cellular phones, but I wasn't sure at the time.

So I did some research about the law that mandates hands free July 1st. This is what I learned:

First of all it is Dangerous! Using ONLY ONE HAND to drive and another to hold a phone to your ear robs yourself of valuable accident avoidance ability. It oftentimes causes the head to be tilted, causing the eyes to view the world askew and messes with our depth perception. Apparently any violent head movement distorts visual faculties and should be avoided at all costs, they are dangerous, which is bad.

Second of all the cellphone law is there to help us, stressing several times that driving with TWO HANDS is essential. Which is why a hands free device is substituted so you can still drive with BOTH hands AND talk AT THE SAME TIME!

Third of all you need BOTH EARS devoid of noise, which is why the hands free device is in only one ear. An iPod in BOTH ears is bad because you need to hear the accident coming, tires screeching and sirens.

It says in the California Drivers handbook that you must drive with TWO HANDS on the wheel at all times, failure to do so could result in death. Which is bad, and I don't want to be bad.

Based on this information, I like the cellphone law; it was created to make it safer while driving.

But now that I know of the dangers, I want more.

I had no idea that driving with one hand was so dangerous--indeed I have even driven with (look ma'!) NO HANDS, but with a knee or thigh or shin.

Which I will never do again, now that I know. (and knowing is half the battle)

But now that I know how dangerous it is, when can I expect a hands-free climate control law? Because I have to REMOVE ONE HAND from the steering wheel to adjust the temperature inside my car and beyond that I have to MOVE MY EYES downward to see where I am stretching my hand and fingers. This would require voice activated climate control most likely, that would be the easiest, or maybe maybe maybe controls on the steering wheel itself. Some car companies have already started doing this, like GM. But it would have to be accessible without removing the hands.

When can I expect a hands free CD player law? This would be similar to the situation above, except my hand would effect audio changes rather than temperature changes.

What about a hands free food law? It's dangerous to eat and drive because it takes ONE OF YOUR HANDS which you need for driving. I think this could be resolved by a robotic/automated feeder. Before you start your car you would place your food on the auto-feeder and then voice activate it to feed you as you drive allowing BOTH HANDS for the steering wheel, as it should be. This could be expanded to allow the eating of food that is rare inside cars like fillet mingnon, other steaks, sushi, udon and other noodle dishes like spaghetti.

What about a hands free urination law? Nothing is more demanding while driving than peeing at 70 miles per hour. This sometimes requires BOTH HANDS and BOTH EYES and focused attention AWAY FROM THE ROAD and OFF THE STEERING WHEEL. I think this could be resolved similarly to the auto feeder: The auto peeer. You would either have to plug yourself in before you start driving, or voice activate it as you are driving. Then it would have to unzip, unfurl, ready a catch-can and etc. This might be more difficult for the female population, but I think it could be done. Then we would have equality in peeing at 70 miles per hour, which is a step in the right direction I think. Think of the new experiences that could be given to 154.7 million women in the USA alone.

What about a hands free turn signal law? I have to REMOVE ONE HAND to use the turn signal. Now I would suggest maybe a voice activated turn signal, or a more intuitive auto signaler that detects steering wheel rotation and simply turns the signal on depending on the direction, but the turn signal is hardly used on the motor ways, I think we could just get rid of it. Its more of a distraction now anyway: "Whoa he just used his turn signal, did you see that?" And distractions may pull our eyes away from the road, which is dangerous, which is bad.

What about a hands free gear shifter law? This would remove a huge number of manual cars from the motorways. This would require retrofitting of paddle shifters like on Formula One cars, Ferrari, Lamborghini and BMW's. These paddle shifters can be activated by fingers while the hand still rests on the wheel itself, thus allowing BOTH HANDS for the wheel.

What about a hands free window control law? I think this could be on the steering wheel like a CD player and Climate control.

The other side of this dilemma is the cause of head tilting, skewing our depth perception. To this end I expect a law against sneezing. Now this maybe more difficult to do than some of the other ones. This biological dilemma is not easily solved. But major medical breakthroughs have been made when the need is great, and I think the need is great in this case. If not biological solutions, a mechanical anti-sneeze machine, or sneeze-guard may need to be invented. This machine would detect a sneeze either by voice activation or detailed tomography and spring into action. It would have to hold the head to prevent abrupt head jerks, and catch the boogers, saliva and mucus that flies out of the nose and mouth at 112 miles an hour. This could cause problems with other auto helper machines. The best solution would be to remove the nose all together. It's the nose that causes a sneeze in the first place. The nose serves as a filter to our lungs, but it is just a bunch of slime covered hairs; I bet a more effective HEPA type filter could be used instead to prevent air impurities from making us sick, and we would never have to deal with a runny nose again.

Also as cars get more isolated from the outside, and seeing how we need our ears, we would need to have the stereo transmit the music directly into our brain leaving our ears free to listen for accidents, tires screeching and sirens. This could open up a new genre of stimulation allowing for the transmitting of visual imagery to the brain rather than audio imagery--other imagery could be utilized as well. This would also require that all passengers not speak while the car is moving. Instead communication would have to be by mechanically enhanced psychic abilities or awakening dormant ESP abilities. That way the passenger's ears could also be utilized for accident detection.

And because safety is the ultimate goal here the next step would be to pass laws based on manual dexterity and the possession of two hands. A new corner of the DMV would have to be allocated to testing the dexterity of each driver's hand to make sure they can grip the steering wheel while flicking various switches and knobs. This would be a pass/fail test and would be added to the written license test, and the behind the wheel drivers test. And those people without two functioning hands would be outlawed from driving, including, but not limited to: those with hooks, pliers, prosthetics and lobster claws.

This could also open up an entirely new job market/skill set: Driver's Aide. This would be for drivers who might not be able to afford the auto machines and sneeze-guard, but could afford to hire a person to ride with them and utilize the turn signals, climate control, CD player, gear shifter, food and mobile urination functions. This would give more jobs to Americans, and this could be adopted to other countries, raising our GDP and might even help fight a financial crisis.

I could go on, but I think you get the idea.

This is a small price to pay for safety. I for one want to be as safe as possible and await these new laws with great longing. When they do come it wont be soon enough.

Finals week reprieve--one trick pony

A famous published poet came into our workshop one day. Her name was Barbara Goldberg, a little Jewish lady from the Bronx, she was (tough!) funny. Anyway, professor Simon was explaining sestinas to the class before Barbara came, and she was asking for end words to show how they repeated for each of the six stanzas and 39 lines. The students gave 5 words and then stopped, so for the six one as a joke I said, "Copernicus" cause it is the antithesis of the kind of word you want, some really easy word with lots of meaning and lots of homophones. And Maurya said, "You're going to be real sorry you picked that word because you want easy end words. It is impossible to write a sestina with Copernicus as an end word." and I said, "Oh yeah?" And she said, "YES!"

It was a challenge, and I did it, and did it well. I blew her mind and Barbara Goldbergs as well (also a lot of other poets and faculty). Anyway Barbara talked about how amazed she was with me, which was really cool, coming from a fancy schmansy publilshed poet from Nuwerk.

But when she got to my poem to critique she asked, " What is it about Brian's poetry that makes it distinctly his?" And I was wondering that as well because I keep hearing from my peers, "Wow this is totally you, Brian" or some version of that.

So then the class, rather easily, says, "The voice is usually intellectual, objective and factual with a pensive tone usually to solve some kind problem."

And then Barbara Goldberg said, "Yeah, I noticed that immediately. He writes a style of poetry called 'meditations'-- how one thinks, we go into their brain, see how their mind works, and its associations. It usually has to do with big ideas and research and it moves around the ideas, sometimes coming back to old ones."

And I was like, "So that is what my poetry is. That's what makes it distinctly me. That's pretty cool." I thought at the time, having discovered something new about myself.

But when I got home and looked at some of my old work I saw that it was the same kind, meditations, all of it.

All this time I thought I was trying new things and stretching my abilities, but I see now its all the same thing, like I am some kind of one trick pony incapable of writing anything else.

It made me really sad.

Here is the impossible Copernicus sestina:
The end words are: five, century, hide, or, Copernicus, done. the order changes for each stanza, and the words must repeat. They can be homophones. So I use Oar, as well as Dun a couple times.


Counting Alligators With Nicolaus Copernicus
“…25 alligators, ready or not here I come.”
~me, circa 1991

Yesterday I turned twenty-five
and realized I’ve only been alive for a quarter of a century.
A few days earlier I was "it," facing a tree and counting alligators for hide
and seek. Will my life always involve remembering simplicity, or
will it be simple again? Did the great men before me—Caesar, Alexander, Copernicus—
wonder where their time went? Did they compare their lives to what others had done?

Julius Caesar was in Spain at my age, saddling his shaggy dun
to ride out and quell a rebellion. When Alexander reached twenty-five
he was proclaimed Master of the Universe by newly conquered Egypt. Copernicus
wrote the heliocentric theory published in the sixteenth century,
theorizing that earth encircled the sun and our world wasn’t the center of the galaxy or
the universe, as the scriptures said. He didn’t have to hide

like Galileo Galilei, or Isaac Newton did. Hide
for fear of the inquisition branding their skin—Heretic—their lives done
for, forfeited. Did they ever wonder what marks they’d leave on the world? Or
were they too busy inventing calculus and trigonometry at twenty-five—
something indispensable for my century,
something that would have changed the theory of Copernicus,

had he known? I imagine Copernicus
standing on a boat traveling through Venice, his hide
cloak hanging to his boots, papers wedged under his arm. In his century,
did he realize he made a liar out of God? Could he imagine what would be done
five-
hundred years later with his theory, or

was he focused on balancing in the boat; each stroke of the oar
worrying him—clutching the only existing copy of heliocentric theory? Copernicus
(smiter of the faith-based geocentric theory at twenty-five)
challenged eons of belief, paving the way for the future, without need to hide
in fear of excommunication. When the last dun
evening came, did he realize what he had given his century?

Will I give anything to my century?
Will my words be hailed like Shakespeare’s, 500 years after my death? Or
will I be the first victim of some new disease they will name after me? Done
in by The Me Disease, like Lou Gehrig, or George Huntington. Copernicus,
greatness did not hide
from you when you reached alligator twenty-five.

I wish I could ask you, Nicolaus Coppernicus,
I feel like I am counting alligators, one for each year, playing hide
and seek with greatness, and I want to know there are only twenty-five.

finals week reprieve--autopilot

so its finals week, last final is saturday. I don't like the word so. I never have. But on my poetry revisions from people they say to add a "so" here and there and I am like, "NO way!" so is a stupid word and is only good for conversations and informal writing, but poetry is supposed to be all highfalutin.

"Each word is valuable real estate, words like so, like, kinda, well, alright, blah blah blah shouldn't be used"

says the poetry professors, and I am inclined to agree. This post is not about so.

What it is about I don't know, but I think I am becoming neurotic.

Which is medical blanket-statement of the literary equivalent of "something is amiss," and I don't know what it is. I wonder if it's from my solitary confinement at the cabin this quarter?

Like I need to re-learn how to socialize and be around people all the time again.

Here is a story I don't want to tell:

I was walking across campus at 3pm one day (I had been up since 5am doing ancient history and Chinese philosophy homework) and I walked by a writer friend who I hadn't seen in a year probably. She recognized me and smiled great big and said, "Hi Brian!" And I recognized her and I smiled too and I planned to say, "Hi Virginia!" but my lips were stuck together and I couldn't open them to speak.

They hadn't been opened all day. (but I didn't know that at the time)

I was surprised and had to fix them with my hand and then said "Hi Virginia!" And we talked briefly, and then went to our separate classes.

It wasn't until I sat down at my next class that I realized why it was my lips were stuck together.

I was in autopilot. I Woke up, studied, wrote essays, came down the mountain with food on the go, went to class one, took notes, went to class two, took notes, walked to the science library and checked out a book, and never spoke to anyone.

If Virgina hadn't said "Hi!" to me I wouldn't have noticed I was autopilot and ignoring people and not speaking.

I would have remained in autopilot as I slipped into bed.

I also started talking to myself, just to hear a human voice, when I was alone up there.

My mom talks to herself sometimes. I must get it from her. Thanks mom.

I think being alone gave me ADD. Today my girlfriend of nearly 4 years and I were on a date (1st one in several months) and she was talking to me about...well I don't know what it was about because I tuned her out.

I was focused on dragging my chopsticks through pools of soy sauce to connect them and watch the capillary action (which is actually pretty poor, not like water) as drops flow into one another. Then I started connecting the drops and making a new shape that looked like the continental USA so I started working on that.

"...did you hear what I said? Are you even listening to me?" she asked.

"Yeah," I lied.

"What did I just say?" she asked. I thought back to see if I could remember. I could remember December. And also she started about school and not knowing which one to go to.

"School didn't get your transcripts until December." I said as though stating the sky was blue, or giving my weight.

"Close. It's disgusting how well you lie."

"Yeah."

"You weren't even listening to anything I was saying."

"I started to."

"And then?"

"I stopped."

"Why."

"I got tired of listening"

"That's great. At least your honest."

"Yeah."

And then she got mad and started to make a scene, so I just got up and left. I held my hand out behind me as I walked and she dropped the keys in my hand and I drove back to where I parked. I think she scolded me while we were in the car. I dont really remember.

What I do remember was the realization that I didn't care; and how disgusted I was with myself because of it.

I was on autopilot, coasting through life, doing the bare minimum to pass by without attention while my mind occupies itself with frivolous things until the next task.

I was on autopilot with her.









I was on autopilot with her.
Jesus

It keeps blowing my mind up!

a book showed up at my favorite space in the science library called Reverse Time Travel. It was black and boring with gold face type. The title alone was enough to interest me, so I flipped through it. It was full of pictures and charts and diagrams and...math equations...which were really scary. But I figured Kevin might like it. So for the first time ever I checked a book out at UCR. That was easy.

I gave it to Kevin, said it looked cool but I know nothing about...equations...and the like. He said he was really busy but he would try to read it. He texted me the next week, "D()()D! That book is crazy! It blew my mind!"

When I came back the next week he gave it back and said I should read it, and that the...equations...weren't so bad. I started reading it 2 days ago.

On page 3 I think my brain exploded, and so on and so forth. I am halfway through it now, but it truly is amazing despite the...equations...

For example, a 10 foot long space craft decreases in length the closer to light it travels. At half light speed (335 million miles an hour) it would be about 6 ft long because space and time are just two different ways to measure the same thing. What?!?! [HEAD EXPLODES]

Warp speed or SciFi's answer to everything is FTL (faster than light) travel, usually involving "jumps" or "warps." This is impossible because the acceleration forces would turn a human pink vapor. The fastest you can continually go is the speed of gravity (9.81 meters per second squared) cause that is what we are use to.

OK, I got to go now but I will come back and blow your mind again.

I leave you with one more thing.

As you travel faster towards the speed of light the craft scrunches up until at light speed it is so thin it is two demensional, like a piece of paper. But the destination, or the distance to the destination also shrinks, that is called time dilation. So even if something is 100 lightyears away you could travel at the speed of light or close to it, and reach it in about 33 years, but to you on board it would seem instantaneous, too everyone else it would take 33 years. [brain explodes]