Make Art not War

Ever since the international community signed the Make Art Not War proposal one year ago intense socio-economic-political strife has ensued and today is no different.

Political tensions reached their breaking point yesterday between Ireland and England involving a tax dispute on Irish goods. “You can’t do that and not expect a reprisal,” said Sarah McConnell, 35 of Ireland, “Our boys and girls are ready to kill.” The boys and girls to whom she is referring are of course the Irish River Dancing Armada.

British PM Alistair Moline didn’t seem worried. “While the IRDA possess some skill in dancing with the lower half of their bodies, our boys and girls have mastered both the upper and lower halves. It doesn’t seem fair to have a dance-off competition against them.”

The dance-off will take place today at 6pm in a neutral arena created for these kinds of disputes. Ingrid Balantino of Julliard School and Fajkidf Ingstörolm of The Helsinki School will judge. Both professors have over a century of dance experience combined.

In other news the United Legion of Artistic Nations is meeting again today to discuss the many problems associated with the Make Art Not War proposal.

“Third world countries are ill suited to participate in the MANWP as a proper education and the study of art is not offered, but of course neither is a regular education, fresh water or food,” said German sociologist Joseph Kann in a statement yesterday. “Art is a luxury and one the people of the third world cannot afford. And studies have shown that western and eastern audience are enjoying tribal dance less and less, especially when in competition with B-boys, jazz and Ballet. The dances are unique to each tribe. Finding knowledgeable impartial judges for each dance is impossible. They will never be able to compete against the west, and will continue to fall behind.”

That hasn’t stopped Florida resident Jim Smithers from teaching the art of mime to the third world countries pro bono in an attempt to put them on an even playing field with the other nations in regards to the performing arts.

“It feels good to finally use my art for something good, like some humanitarian purposes,” Smithers says. “Already some great talent has taken my craft and used it to resolve land disputes in northern Kenya.”

When asked about how his Ugandan Mime Troupe would fare against South Africa’s Shakespeare Brigade at the ULAN conference next month he smiled and said, “They’ll need more than Ole’ Yorrick this year if they expect to win.”

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In the US frustration mounts as giant banking firm Goldman Sachs uses Ingrid Gulen to lobby their case for congress. Ingrid is well known to have no American rival in the art of interpretive dance. Her motions have swayed congressional opinion in favor of Goldman’s recent proposals.

“It isn’t fair,” Senator Joe Binder (R-Texas) said. “A regular person can’t afford the skills of such an artist, only a major banking firm can put Ingrid [expletive] Gulen on their payroll.”

When asked about the banking firm’s arrangement with her Ingrid Gulen said, “For the first time ever I can completely devote myself to my craft, my art, my love and put food on the table for my family without the need of two other jobs. That has never happened before. I don’t intend to walk away from this.”

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Federico Guzman de Capistraño the world famous expressionist painter was found dead in his mansion on the edge of Nice in the French Riviera last Friday. The autopsy revealed trace amounts of TXX in his system, TXX is a neurotoxin found in the puffer fish. Friends of Federico maintain that he hated fish with a passion and would not have eaten the famous sushi dish ‘Fugu’ while on holiday in Japan. Strangely his last painting depicted Fugu in its various sushi arrangements.

“I bet you anything the Russian’s killed him,” said Sebastion Miguel de Fuerza, a neighbor of Federico. “Everyone knew he had a ULAN commission to resolve a territorial petroleum dispute between Russia and Kazakhstan.”

The Kazakh ambassador made a statement over many of the allegations.

“The world grieves for the loss of such a talented artist, and while it is true that we had commissioned him through ULAN to resolve our dispute with Russia it is unfair to our northern neighbors to allege such a heinous crime was their doing.” When I asked him one on one about the chances of a favorable outcome for the dispute he simply sighed before saying he had no comment.

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The Rust Belt continues to rust as more military technology is piled upon it. Battleships, fighter jets, tanks and cargo trucks sit in the humid sun and rust away by the ton. Environmental scientists are worried about the long-term effects of leaving eighty square miles of rusting metal open to the environment. They have already measured an increase in ozone and iron oxide in the atmosphere and so much metal in one area has created a hot pocket that is affecting global weather patterns, notably above Canada, which asked politely for the Rust Belt to be relocated further from their borders.

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The ULAN Graphic Art Summit had to be postponed on account of technical difficulties. It will resume tomorrow at seven eastern standard time.