The three people I met on the Rapture

I met three really strange people today, the day of the rapture, or some such.

First: A woman getting an air check at the tire store today told me she didn't have to be nice and insisted on being rude and mean because, as she explained to me, the world ends today at 6pm precisely.

One timezone at a time?
Or is that Pacific standard time?
Or Jerusalem standard time?
Or New Zealand time which is 23 hours ahead where it's Sunday, the day of rest. Oh noes!

The woman was very rude, ordered me around told me to hurry up, talked about the rapture and about how she didn't have to keep up this facade and didn't give a shit and Jesus was coming, Hallelujah! I asked her if she thought Jesus would approve of her treatment of others on his return trip to earth (on Air-God? interdemensional travel line?). She immediately stopped being Douchey Mc Doucherton and started apologizing profusely to me saying she had made a mistake and asked if I could forgive her. I immediately wanted to say that forgiveness is between her and God, but I didn't. Instead I nodded and told her to have a nice day and went back to work.

And then she called out to me asking if she could make an appointment to rotate her tires tomorrow. I was almost dumbstruck. I thought about making some kind of comment about only if the world is still here, but in all honesty I think she had mental problems and I was keen to slip away like sand through fingers. I sent her up front.

Later I pulled a car in to be worked on, well, let me start over. I approached the beat up car, opened the door and found the inside to be covered in rosary beads and crucifixes. I had to remove a clump of them from the seat before I could sit down. I didn't want to get poked in the butt by Jesus.

When I started the car I looked into the rearview mirror. It was wrapped in rosaries and unusable as mirror. When I pulled the gear lever down some rosaries fell to the floor bright red ones. Through the speakers came the voice of some dull monotoned woman saying those famous catholic prayers. I dont know thier names, but you might. It was the one about mother mary full of grace. And then an audience of people repeated this woman. It sounded like the Borg from Star Trek. Then she spoke again, some other line of a prayer. I thought it was pretty ballsy to play something so Christiany on the radio, but it was actually a CD on track three, seven minutes in. I immediately started making judgments about the kind of person that would drive this vehicle: She was old, white hair, unmarried, unattractive, overweight, a cat lady with a mean countenance that said 'thanks a lot,' and, 'god bless,' often.

The prayer stuff was turning my stomach so I turned it off. As I drove over the hydraulic lift all the rosaries, crucifixes and mother Mary figurines started swaying and clinking together, a pitter-patter of plastic rain. After I repaired the tire an old woman, described above, came over to ask what was in. When I told her it was ascrew that punctured her tire and that I had drilled it out to remove the rust and filled it with a plug, a patch, a chemical cement and a sealer and that it would never ever leak again from that spot she said, "Thanks a lot. God Bless." As I handed her the paper work I saw she was without a ring on her finger. As far as I could tell, my original prediction was accurate.

Person number three was a middle aged fat black man in gray sweat pants and a sports jersey. I know nothing of sports so I can't tell you anything about it. There were numbers and colors and a name, if it helps. Anyway he was standing behind the car I was torquing and he was talking. Now to whom I do not know, because as far as I could tell he was totally alone. I couldn't help but over hear what he was talking about.

He said, "I'm burying my face in your Poo-say, can you feel it?"

I stopped torquing to turn around to see him. He turned a bit to face me and I saw he had a bluetooth ear piece in. So he was not insane. Nothing to worry about there, just your average large man standing behind his car in a parking lot having phone sex while I finish his vehicle. Right before I got out of earshot he said, "I am pounding your Poo-say. You feel me inside you? Uh huh. I am slamming into your cervix. Ummhmm you know it gurl." I torqued the left front wheel than the right front than approached the right rear, the final wheel. I heard him say

"I'm filling you up gurl. You gaining weight now gurl. Mmhmm you gonna be white after it soak into you."

I gave him his paper work, told him to have a nice day. He thanked me and walked to his car talking about someone getting drenched.

It started to rain.

Dirty, dirty rain.