Expose'

I finally completed the 1st draft of my new story due on the 18th. It is 25 pages long exactly. As I wrote it I was thinking, "Wow this is fun" and then I got to page 21 and I thought, "This sucks. No body will like this. I am wasting my time and energy. I am so stupid." and then after I finished it I was like, "Hey this is pretty cool." I think those worthless feelings are normal and should be embraced because it means I am putting myself on the line, writing honestly. If I never get that feeling I think it means I am lying to myself.

I like honest writing even if its weird or offensive or "meaningless".

One of friends wrote this really easy-reading story about a librarian (that turned out to be her in actuality) about a trite comment a lady made to her that she thought was a little thing that bothered her for weeks until the lady came back a month later and apologized. It was so honest and fun. I loved it. (I think I read it when I was on pg 21 of writing my own story)

but anyway my story: I did a month of hardcore research to get as much info as I could to make this story...well not "true" per se but...accurate! Accurate is a much better word. Anyway, I had an idea that started it all from a logical process of inductive reasoning: Either something is true or it is false, if you have many things explaining something there is a greater chance for them all being true or all being false rather than one of them being true, proving the other wrong. So the thought went like this: What if all the myths and religions across history (Norse, Greek, Japanese, Chinese, Indian, Korean, Egyptian, Middle East, Russian, British, Aztec, et al.) were real, or the opposite of what I believe. Just to try that on for a moment. What if...

What if it was ALL real? What would that mean? What if all the Gods and Goddesses shared the planet? How would that work on a pantheistic scale?

There is this notion people have had since forever: The more believers a God has the more strength he has. Many religions have laws that talk of converting people and not worshiping other gods and so on in an attempt to gather more worshipers. If I had followed this notion the Muslim Pantheon would be the top dog because Islam has the most worshipers unless you roll Roman Catholic, Protestant, Orthodox, Anglican all together. In that case it has almost twice the number of adherents (2,116,909,552 vs. 1,282,780,149). But if I did that I would have to break all the other religions down into their little groups and the ones I am most interested in (Mythology: Norse, Egyptian, Slavic, Japanese) would be very insignificant because very few people still believe those old ways.

So I came up with my own idea: What if the power of a God would be tied to it's physical link in this world, based on time? Like Stonehenge, the Pyramids in Egypt, the Pyramids in Mexico/central america/ south america etc.? Those places were built by people for religious reasons often for the Gods. In this case the Egyptians would be strongest because they have the grandest, oldest physical "tie-in" to this world. But this would mean that the Christian religion would be rather insignificant because they have no Pyramids, no Stonehenge but fancy cathedrals built less than a thousand years ago (in some cases 1/4 of the age of Stonehenge). I wasn't happy with this notion so I tried one more and it was the hardest.

The power of myth. Each myth explains the world and the power of the Gods. In Ancient Greek Mythology Zeus hurls thundrbolts as his main method of attack, on top of his incredible strength (he can lift mountains and hurl them at his enemies). But Thor has armor and a sword and makes ligtningbolts ON ACCIDENT while he works his forge. He is the greatest warrior and his armor makes him impervious to lightning bolts. Thor trumps Zeus in this example and could stomp many other gods like the christian one (who at times is rather peacful, but can be wrathful and sends plagues and floods etc.). I had to do a lot of reaseach with this idea to find who was the top dog so to speak. In so doing I found the Villain of the universe: Typhon/Seth (god of chaos and dischord) who is featured in many religious traditions as a shapshifting Draconic badass that tries to kill the king of gods and take his throne (Egyptian, Greek, Norse, Asian). So in this process I learned that the egyptian god of Death Ap-uat has arrows "more powerful than the gods" which the Greek Goddess Artemis (bow and arrows) is mentioned as highly accurate with her bowshots but she does not have arrows more powerful than the gods, so if these two fought Ap-uat would surely win with his arrows of god slaying, a dangerous dude indeed. But some of the claims are incredibly strange and weird and seperated gods into categories of "creation" and "patrons of" so the christian god is a creator, more like a force that can't be directly asaulted, as is Ra and many others. I didn't want to limit myself so I found this idea (complex and time consuming) missing something.

So what I did was take all those ideas and meld them together to get my story, which seems the only way to do it. So the Christians dominate the world, but many pantheons still hold power because of their physical ties (stonehenge, Pyramids, etc.). And the mythic strength allows for a hierarcy of strength/power so to speak. So when the Egyptian Goddess Ammut (devine retribution) meets Archangel Michael, He doesn't attack it because she is a goddess and he is a powerful messenger/general.

I think accuracy is important, so I did tons of research to make sure my descriptions/representations were accurate and true, and that the character is captured. The Archangels were the hardest because they are described as having no emotion, because humans have emotion and that is why they are weaker. So there were times when a really angry Archangel Michael would have been really cool, but he would never show emotion, not for real anyway, and that is a cornerstone of that mythology, angels without emotion, so it was hard. Also the research I did countered my preconcieved notions about the gods which was good but required my original story to be altered drastically, thus Ap-uat was added because Anpu was like a patron saint of the lost (souls, orphans etc) and described as both cold and generous. I had a lot of fun and I sent it out to my Cadre for thoughts and opinions on my 1st draft. I get those back soon. I hope they like it. And I wonder what the Advanced Fiction Workshop will think about it... I'll tell you how that goes.

Free write

I might have explained this earlier, but a Freewrite is writing free, letting your left brain hemisphere go off into lala land and you write what comes to your mind. Ideally you right at the speed of thought and try to stay grounded in the concrete. So don't write things like, "She looked dvine" but rather, "her hair was the color of organic honey" utilizing those 5 senses. Because things like divine, and hope, and peace and beauty and whatever else are abstractions--or place holders of a weak nature until the actual words can be found.

To steal a quote from the great Erin Fletcher: I describe the color of grass and you describe the color of grass and they are different and then there is the actual color of grass.

So strive for the actual, in so doing other people can't help but see/smell/feel/hear/taste what you are writing about. Also it can sometimes trigger memories--follow those wherever they go, stay in the concrete as much a spossible.

This allows me to write anywhere anytime about anything. as an example here is a freewrite I wrote in class about a strawberry (i have done this like 4 times now):

little seeds on the outside-little yellowish green teardrops in no particular order except the point of each seed grows generally towards the bottom where the seeds are--the skin--a red color--not one color but a variance of dark red like curdled blood to a pinkish at top to a white until greenery of a different texture grows--as i lift the fuzzy green leaves i see small yellow feelers like on a catepillar--the light red flesh of this fruit grows tiny transparent hairs--the skin has smooth tight places and wrinkeled loose places--this one has suffered some trauma--like a cancer--that has been removed to save the whole--this leaves an inner layer or scar tissue--also at the bottom is a sunken depression like a belly button--deep down in there is a seed--its as though the seeds only go so far--connected to the center--and as the skin/flesh grows outward the seeds hold it back and create slight depressions--where there is much pressure the skin is tight--where it is loose--it hasn't grown far enough to have the seeds pull it back--or limit it rather--the bottom of this berry has recently been damaged and bleeds its juices onto my fingers--it reminds me of mom and me putting a humming bird feeder up filled with that red liquid and some of it spilled on my hand and stained it a sticky red that crawls between the swirls of my fingerprint and collects in the deepest little cracks--because it is bleeding i can smell the insides of it--a pleasant smell--one part sharp two parts sweet and one part that demands i eat it--what a successful plant--so delicious that surely animals will eat it and scatter the seeds all over for more strawberries to grow--as i bite it i feel the sharp sweet flavor leap through my taste centers replaced by a tang--as i munch i feel the seeds breaking between my teeth like crustal shoeboxes or tiny crackers--because i feel the smaller pieces still--the flesh sticks to my teeth--as i look to the center of the now partially eaten berry i see wet goey flesh around the outside like twisted canyon walls--the center is rough and full of bubbles and the bubbles are arranged in strings and the center is hollow--is the bubbles seeds that couldn't make it to the outside--

Research

As I was researching archangels for my story I accidentally found "The Hymn of the Cherub" 1st, 2nd, 3rd and 4th tone sung in Byzantine chant. It's eerie. And while I am not remotely fluent in Byzantine (haha) I feel moved none the less. Here it is for your listening pleasure. I suggest kicking back, closing your eyes and letting the chant wash over you:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MmH0Ntc1aAU&feature=related

It sounded like Arabic to me so I looked up a Qur'an Reciter. Again do the same thing as above.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SISX-0CBRFM&feature=related

And totally unwarranted, a memory: My first girlfriend Fatimah (her American name was Erin) reciting her Qur'an to me. She was Thai and short and cute and sweet and she wanted to read to me because I was an infidel, a good looking infidel she amended later, but an infidel none the less. This was half joke, half truth for her.

She sat me down, opened her book with the strange squiggles and read from right to left (rather than from left to right like I do) and sang this passage to me. I don't speak Arabic, other than basic stuff and some openings to chant. I didn't understand what she was chanting to me, but I didn't need to. It was for her, not for me. And before she started I have to say I was expecting some boring "...and he said onto him, have ye spoken ill of me? To which he answered not I said he..." Kind of like those people in my grandma's church that sang the hallelujah that didn't sound like a hallelujah: Hah-lay-loo-ya joy-us-ly we sing.

So she opened her mouth, her face became serious and she recited it to me. And it blew me away. It was so smooth and beautiful with such emotion. She was in another world and I was captivated and just watched her. It was like singing, but slow. It had a definate seriousness to it that only added to its beauty, which added to her beauty reading her holy book to save my soul. She looked about ready to cry, but never did.

And it was at that moment I relaized the implication of what this meant. It was her other life in the UAE and Malaysia and Thailand and everywhere else--her unamerican life--shining through. She had stopped covering and was kissing boys, well one boy anyway, that handsome infidel mentioned above. I only realize now how crazy her life really was. At the time she was just the girl I loved. The exotic girl with so much crazy history (her dad was born into a jewish orthodox home and converted to islam on his own. He was abusive and crazy and his parents stole Erin from him to live with them in Ojai and fought for custody which they got. They were orthodox Jews she was muslim--December was interesting to say the least) that she had a hard time dealing with. For two years I helped her get over it and relax, she was in America now and safe from her dad. But her grandmother didn't like me, or rather she did like me but thought it was time for her to move on. So she did. Had to.

But the Qur'an...its weird that they chant it, rather than read it in a townhall kind of meeting and discuss it. Anyway got to go to class, just had to share that.

WATER also religion v science

I try not to belabor the point, but belief that the scientific method is wrong would be ludicrous. I was just talking to someone from my religion class, someone who is a strong believer. The worst kind of believer because in the face of rational thought processes they still clutch to their dogma. Which is the same as clutching your ears to block sound and screaming "NANANANANA!" Beyond that it shows a supreme ignorance, moreover a decision to ignore the way things are because they have the word "science" attached to them. I cannot explain the scientific method right now, but I was just talking to Kevin about water. Which reminds me of a religious argument Uncle David had with Kevin. Until Kevin said:

Water is amazing. It is 3 elements: Oxygen and two hydrogen (H2O). Hydrogen is highly reactive (research Hindenburg for more info) and has a slight positive charge. Oxygen on the other hand has a slight negative charge (also Florine). Opposites attract. Hydrogen is bonded to oxygen but still attracts another water molecule by oxygen. This is called a hydrogen bond.

It allows trees to exist by allowing water to be pulled up from the roots to the leaves without breaking the flow or stream of water because each molecule holds another. Water likes to join with itself which is why it boils so hot for being so small a molecule.

These hydrogen bonds occur at 46 degree angle. Don't bust out your protractor, just trust me. If this did not occur, water could not exist. Too great an angle and the hydrogen bond breaks. When you boil water the molecules move around so much that the angle is increased too far, breaks and is converted into steam. You can play with magnets to see how this works.

Likewise oxygen bonds with hydrogen at a 105.45 degree angle to make water. If this angle is stretched too far water does not exist. If it is pushed together too close it doesn't exist, it can't exist.

When you take a balloon of oxygen and a balloon of hydrogen, tape them together and pop them at the same time water falls down. I have not created something from nothing, I have merely joined two groups of atoms that when so joined make water. No trickery, no mysticism, just simple chemistry.

I put it to you that the water molecule exists in this configuration because it cannot exist in any other configuration. It will always be that way. Travel a million worlds through parallel universes and you will find water in identical configuration. This configuration of microscopic parts makes up water. Water is essential to our bodies and indeed the vast majority of organisms throughout this planet.

Water exists because that is the nature of the universe. Put oxygen and hydrogen together and you get water no matter where you do it, or when. Put one proton with one electron you get hydrogen, etc.

The universe is made of those same tiny particles that simply fit together in specific configurations because they cannot exist in any other way.

There is no need to explain "the divinity" or "the perfection" of this with God. It just IS because it cannot BE any other way. Likewise planets are formed, stars created, solar systems, organisms, you name it they exist totally without a "divine maker" to make them. You take protons and electrons and put them together you can make anything you want. YOU can be God if you want to.

Ultimately a creator is unnecessary because the atoms only fit one way.

to which uncle David replied: That's because God made the rules for the universe.

And Kevin just left...

HA! Just kidding, Kevin would never leave. Instead he fixed him with a dubious look and scrunched face that said, "you must be joking"

uh anyway go to class now.

Opinion

Jails are cool now. When did that happen? Criminals are cool. There are dating services that places lucky ladies with convicts on their way out. There are dating shows, blogs, books, hit shows like jailbreak and on and on.

I don't normally write my opinion down because Reza Aslan said no body cares. Beyond that Michale de Montaigne said that is man's greatest flaw, that of amassing opinions. Opinions do nothing beneficial. He went on to say that even Socrates who said, "I am without opinion/ I know nothing." must have an opinion/know something to say he actually doesn't. Its just like if I said don't think of a blue car, you have to think of a blue car first before you know not to think of it. So Michael de Montaigne said, "Tell me what I know?" which is not taking a postion, and not offering an opinion. His argument? "An Apology for Raymond Sebond" in which he talks about animals--without opinon themselves--and how they don't mess eachother up by acting out their opinions like humans do. Opinions seem to be of little use and we should stop having them.

But they can be so much fun.

Jail. A place to store dangerous people that have broken ours laws and are being punished as a result. These people should not be getting attention. No book making, no TV shows no dating services, nothing. You broke the law! No Internet, no TV. Jails are a joke anyway. Crime is just as strong inside as out, gaurds manipulate the rules to get drugs in there and gangs are just as valid etc. It seems OBVIOUS to me that these people should be punished for their crime. instead they make childrens books, and do interviews and whatever else. The only show they should make about jail is Scared Straight, if you have ever seen this show you know why. Criminals talk to at risk kids about being in jail. Its the only time a TV network will allow profanity on their screen. And not just "crap" and "tits," full blown "Bring that juicy fucking ass in here so I can fuck it with my black cock. Drink my cum little bitch, drink it!" says the inmate to the passing boy as he reaches out to grab him.

Criminals. Punishment should fit the crime. Other than that I dont really care what they do, just so long as I dont hear about how cool it is to be a criminal. These are not role models. They are failed citizens and should be treated as such until such time as they have made reparations.

Solution. So much could benefit from manual labor without cost. Like freeway clean up, hazardous waste disposal, recycling plants et al. I think they are an untapped resource. Its time to bring back the chain gang. Chain them all together, have cops with shot guns nearby, and have those criminals clean the freeway, clean the beach, clean up oil spills do whatever we can't pay people to do that needs doing because there is plenty to do. Now they can't do dangerous or harmful stuff because they are still american citizens and not slaves, but there is still plenty to do.

I have no sympathy for violent criminals, so it bothers me to see them writing books and giving interviews and being given any attention at all. They should rot without another thought.

(You can log onto sexoffender and type your area code in and see a barrage of red dots within 5 miles of your house of resgistered sex offenders. Neat huh? Lots of offenders of children around my house. What about you?)

of course every case is indivdual, I still dont want them elevated its disgusting to me.

I'll be your handle Baby!

I am going to be sexually explicit, so unless you want to read about it you should read something else. I feel like talking about sex unfiltered.

So Tuesday night I went to a concert with Loo. It was really cool, we had a great time. During Sushi I said I would come home with her that night in Ojai instead of going back up the mountain because Hollywood is only about an hour away from Ojai, whereas it's at least 2 hours from Big Bear. So I told her that the distance would be too great to travel tonight, and they were doing road construction and it would take longer and I'd rather just bypass it altogether, which is partly true, but the real reason I wanted to come home that night was because I wanted sex.

I hadn't had sex in 3 weeks and I thought I could wait until the weekend when I would come home. But eating sushi with her and talking to her and being around her filled me with desire. Most of the dinner I was hard and had to adjust my pants, until I tucked it under my leg and sat cross legged, which cuts the blood flow off so it will back down. Then I uncross and try to not think about sex and it tries to stay down but remains at the ubiquitous "half-mast" to remind me its ready for action at any moment, just give the word.

After the concert the whole way home I was looking forward to sex, knowing surely I would get it. When we did get home it was 1:30am and she was making noise about being tired. Which I always ignore. Because it's supposed to mean "There will be no sex tonight so don't even try it." But I am devious.

We brushed our teeth, peed in front of one another and went to bed. She changes into her PJ's. She doesnt understand how pretty she is. When I see her taking her clothes off I get really excited. Which she ignores because she already told me she was tired. She crawls into bed and starts putting her girly creams on before sleep. So while she is busy with that I sneak a hand to her foot, which is really sensative, and barely drag my fingers across her skin which makes her foot twitch. I work my way up her leg, dragging my fingers, making circles, so light a touch you have to concentrate to know if they are actually touching. She puts her head down and lays there with her eyes closed, smiling. This is a clear invitation so I keep going with slight touches. I call this "building the fire" sometimes. I lightly touch her all over her body, pulling garments aside to get at the skin beneath. But I don't touch anything naughty. Arms, shoulders, hands, legs, neck, face. then I move to her stomach, and her sides and her ribs getting close to her breasts but never touching. Her body responds to this, and I can see them firming up and the gooseflesh on her body as I touch it. Slowly I start approaching the hot spots. I drag my fingers across her side, down her stomach below her belly button, and lower and lower still until I jump to the other side of her stomach with my other hand starting the same senation over again, left and right hands replaceing one another. This takes a long time. It's 2am now.

Then I use my lips instead of my fingers because they are softer and warmer. I start to kiss and hint at biting and nibbling. I can see how her body leans into my touches and how her breath catches and how the gooseflesh leaps to my fingers until I just give her a brotherly peck on the cheek and say good night. I crawl under the covers and pretend to go to sleep. Meanwhile my body is raging. Blood is drumming behind my ears, my temperature is up, my lips are hot, and I have a raging hard-on that thrums with every pulse of my heart.

She starts moving around in the darkness. A sealed condom lands on my face. And she sits up.
"Quick, because I have to go to work in 4 hours."

*insert sex scene here*

Two minutes later I collapsed on top of her and twitched before falling over to the side. I planned on a long love making session but riled myself up so much that once I got in there it was over before it started. Plus it had been 3 weeks, she was tight and I was craving it. I stood no chance.

And as I laid there catching my breath I remebered the summer and how I could go for hours. From building the fire to clean up could take 4 hours or more. And I became really self conscious like I was failing in her eyes which I see now is totally self inflicted because she was asleep and smiling and gave no indication of disapointment.

Isn't it weird how I make this big deal out of it and it so doesnt matter like that to her, she is just happy she got some and enjoyed the touching and closeness. But I am always wondering like, "Did I impress her? was this the best ever? Am I a sex-god?" and she is like, "well that was nice. zzzzz"

It's normally difficult to talk about these kinds of things, about how I did anything less than sexual olympics and she was so craving it and begging and blah blah blah all that bragging, but I wanted to divulge my less than 2 minute sex because I think its more entertaining. I thought I was so manly and I would rock her world and she would have to struggle to keep quiet, which is partly true.

I read that it takes longer to achieve orgasm with a steady partner because both of their bodies adapt to one another and build up a resistance kind of. So it takes longer to wear through that resistance and achieve orgasm. However, I also read that the longer you are with somone the sex gets shorter because each person learns the other, and knows which ways to move to maximize pleasure in their partner. I think that both of these are true, that a resistance is built up until it simply takes too long to do and different moves are used to cut the time down until eventually it's real fast because they have learned one another's bodies. The SAID principle: Specfic Adaptations to Imposed Demands. Its why working out builds muscle and doing things makes you better at them, your body adapts.

So here is a thought: I think I am being devious about getting her all aroused and leaving her like that to drive her wild because she can't stop like I can.

BUT

What if she is the devious one playing me, thinking: "All I have to do is hint that I am tired and he will massage my body and tickle me and tantalize me for hours before I pretend to give in. Better than him asking and me saying yes because I like massages."

And does it matter? I like it either way so I don't think it does. But I like to think I am really smart and crafty, but my mom is reading books about queens and princesses who, "Often ruled the country through their husbands, which were like a handle to control everything while kings and princes thought they were in complete control, rather than being easily manipulated like puppets."

I don't want to be a puppet, unless I get lots of sex. Then it's ok, which I think is our gender's downfall. A heart shapped hiney and perky tits can create momentary amnesia. Maybe that's just me and I should stop...

Nomenclature

more to come--thinking required...