finals week reprieve--autopilot

so its finals week, last final is saturday. I don't like the word so. I never have. But on my poetry revisions from people they say to add a "so" here and there and I am like, "NO way!" so is a stupid word and is only good for conversations and informal writing, but poetry is supposed to be all highfalutin.

"Each word is valuable real estate, words like so, like, kinda, well, alright, blah blah blah shouldn't be used"

says the poetry professors, and I am inclined to agree. This post is not about so.

What it is about I don't know, but I think I am becoming neurotic.

Which is medical blanket-statement of the literary equivalent of "something is amiss," and I don't know what it is. I wonder if it's from my solitary confinement at the cabin this quarter?

Like I need to re-learn how to socialize and be around people all the time again.

Here is a story I don't want to tell:

I was walking across campus at 3pm one day (I had been up since 5am doing ancient history and Chinese philosophy homework) and I walked by a writer friend who I hadn't seen in a year probably. She recognized me and smiled great big and said, "Hi Brian!" And I recognized her and I smiled too and I planned to say, "Hi Virginia!" but my lips were stuck together and I couldn't open them to speak.

They hadn't been opened all day. (but I didn't know that at the time)

I was surprised and had to fix them with my hand and then said "Hi Virginia!" And we talked briefly, and then went to our separate classes.

It wasn't until I sat down at my next class that I realized why it was my lips were stuck together.

I was in autopilot. I Woke up, studied, wrote essays, came down the mountain with food on the go, went to class one, took notes, went to class two, took notes, walked to the science library and checked out a book, and never spoke to anyone.

If Virgina hadn't said "Hi!" to me I wouldn't have noticed I was autopilot and ignoring people and not speaking.

I would have remained in autopilot as I slipped into bed.

I also started talking to myself, just to hear a human voice, when I was alone up there.

My mom talks to herself sometimes. I must get it from her. Thanks mom.

I think being alone gave me ADD. Today my girlfriend of nearly 4 years and I were on a date (1st one in several months) and she was talking to me about...well I don't know what it was about because I tuned her out.

I was focused on dragging my chopsticks through pools of soy sauce to connect them and watch the capillary action (which is actually pretty poor, not like water) as drops flow into one another. Then I started connecting the drops and making a new shape that looked like the continental USA so I started working on that.

"...did you hear what I said? Are you even listening to me?" she asked.

"Yeah," I lied.

"What did I just say?" she asked. I thought back to see if I could remember. I could remember December. And also she started about school and not knowing which one to go to.

"School didn't get your transcripts until December." I said as though stating the sky was blue, or giving my weight.

"Close. It's disgusting how well you lie."

"Yeah."

"You weren't even listening to anything I was saying."

"I started to."

"And then?"

"I stopped."

"Why."

"I got tired of listening"

"That's great. At least your honest."

"Yeah."

And then she got mad and started to make a scene, so I just got up and left. I held my hand out behind me as I walked and she dropped the keys in my hand and I drove back to where I parked. I think she scolded me while we were in the car. I dont really remember.

What I do remember was the realization that I didn't care; and how disgusted I was with myself because of it.

I was on autopilot, coasting through life, doing the bare minimum to pass by without attention while my mind occupies itself with frivolous things until the next task.

I was on autopilot with her.









I was on autopilot with her.
Jesus