Finals week reprieve--Hands Free July 1st, its the law.

Before it was illegal to drive and use a cellphone I noticed how many black light bulb billboards said the same thing one day on my way to school. The black light bulb billboards usually give time estimates to upcoming junctions or tell us to look for a certain kind of car that has abducted a child. But on the weeks before July first every sign said the same thing:

Hands free July 1st
It's the law.

I had no idea what they were talking about. I later assumed cellular phones, but I wasn't sure at the time.

So I did some research about the law that mandates hands free July 1st. This is what I learned:

First of all it is Dangerous! Using ONLY ONE HAND to drive and another to hold a phone to your ear robs yourself of valuable accident avoidance ability. It oftentimes causes the head to be tilted, causing the eyes to view the world askew and messes with our depth perception. Apparently any violent head movement distorts visual faculties and should be avoided at all costs, they are dangerous, which is bad.

Second of all the cellphone law is there to help us, stressing several times that driving with TWO HANDS is essential. Which is why a hands free device is substituted so you can still drive with BOTH hands AND talk AT THE SAME TIME!

Third of all you need BOTH EARS devoid of noise, which is why the hands free device is in only one ear. An iPod in BOTH ears is bad because you need to hear the accident coming, tires screeching and sirens.

It says in the California Drivers handbook that you must drive with TWO HANDS on the wheel at all times, failure to do so could result in death. Which is bad, and I don't want to be bad.

Based on this information, I like the cellphone law; it was created to make it safer while driving.

But now that I know of the dangers, I want more.

I had no idea that driving with one hand was so dangerous--indeed I have even driven with (look ma'!) NO HANDS, but with a knee or thigh or shin.

Which I will never do again, now that I know. (and knowing is half the battle)

But now that I know how dangerous it is, when can I expect a hands-free climate control law? Because I have to REMOVE ONE HAND from the steering wheel to adjust the temperature inside my car and beyond that I have to MOVE MY EYES downward to see where I am stretching my hand and fingers. This would require voice activated climate control most likely, that would be the easiest, or maybe maybe maybe controls on the steering wheel itself. Some car companies have already started doing this, like GM. But it would have to be accessible without removing the hands.

When can I expect a hands free CD player law? This would be similar to the situation above, except my hand would effect audio changes rather than temperature changes.

What about a hands free food law? It's dangerous to eat and drive because it takes ONE OF YOUR HANDS which you need for driving. I think this could be resolved by a robotic/automated feeder. Before you start your car you would place your food on the auto-feeder and then voice activate it to feed you as you drive allowing BOTH HANDS for the steering wheel, as it should be. This could be expanded to allow the eating of food that is rare inside cars like fillet mingnon, other steaks, sushi, udon and other noodle dishes like spaghetti.

What about a hands free urination law? Nothing is more demanding while driving than peeing at 70 miles per hour. This sometimes requires BOTH HANDS and BOTH EYES and focused attention AWAY FROM THE ROAD and OFF THE STEERING WHEEL. I think this could be resolved similarly to the auto feeder: The auto peeer. You would either have to plug yourself in before you start driving, or voice activate it as you are driving. Then it would have to unzip, unfurl, ready a catch-can and etc. This might be more difficult for the female population, but I think it could be done. Then we would have equality in peeing at 70 miles per hour, which is a step in the right direction I think. Think of the new experiences that could be given to 154.7 million women in the USA alone.

What about a hands free turn signal law? I have to REMOVE ONE HAND to use the turn signal. Now I would suggest maybe a voice activated turn signal, or a more intuitive auto signaler that detects steering wheel rotation and simply turns the signal on depending on the direction, but the turn signal is hardly used on the motor ways, I think we could just get rid of it. Its more of a distraction now anyway: "Whoa he just used his turn signal, did you see that?" And distractions may pull our eyes away from the road, which is dangerous, which is bad.

What about a hands free gear shifter law? This would remove a huge number of manual cars from the motorways. This would require retrofitting of paddle shifters like on Formula One cars, Ferrari, Lamborghini and BMW's. These paddle shifters can be activated by fingers while the hand still rests on the wheel itself, thus allowing BOTH HANDS for the wheel.

What about a hands free window control law? I think this could be on the steering wheel like a CD player and Climate control.

The other side of this dilemma is the cause of head tilting, skewing our depth perception. To this end I expect a law against sneezing. Now this maybe more difficult to do than some of the other ones. This biological dilemma is not easily solved. But major medical breakthroughs have been made when the need is great, and I think the need is great in this case. If not biological solutions, a mechanical anti-sneeze machine, or sneeze-guard may need to be invented. This machine would detect a sneeze either by voice activation or detailed tomography and spring into action. It would have to hold the head to prevent abrupt head jerks, and catch the boogers, saliva and mucus that flies out of the nose and mouth at 112 miles an hour. This could cause problems with other auto helper machines. The best solution would be to remove the nose all together. It's the nose that causes a sneeze in the first place. The nose serves as a filter to our lungs, but it is just a bunch of slime covered hairs; I bet a more effective HEPA type filter could be used instead to prevent air impurities from making us sick, and we would never have to deal with a runny nose again.

Also as cars get more isolated from the outside, and seeing how we need our ears, we would need to have the stereo transmit the music directly into our brain leaving our ears free to listen for accidents, tires screeching and sirens. This could open up a new genre of stimulation allowing for the transmitting of visual imagery to the brain rather than audio imagery--other imagery could be utilized as well. This would also require that all passengers not speak while the car is moving. Instead communication would have to be by mechanically enhanced psychic abilities or awakening dormant ESP abilities. That way the passenger's ears could also be utilized for accident detection.

And because safety is the ultimate goal here the next step would be to pass laws based on manual dexterity and the possession of two hands. A new corner of the DMV would have to be allocated to testing the dexterity of each driver's hand to make sure they can grip the steering wheel while flicking various switches and knobs. This would be a pass/fail test and would be added to the written license test, and the behind the wheel drivers test. And those people without two functioning hands would be outlawed from driving, including, but not limited to: those with hooks, pliers, prosthetics and lobster claws.

This could also open up an entirely new job market/skill set: Driver's Aide. This would be for drivers who might not be able to afford the auto machines and sneeze-guard, but could afford to hire a person to ride with them and utilize the turn signals, climate control, CD player, gear shifter, food and mobile urination functions. This would give more jobs to Americans, and this could be adopted to other countries, raising our GDP and might even help fight a financial crisis.

I could go on, but I think you get the idea.

This is a small price to pay for safety. I for one want to be as safe as possible and await these new laws with great longing. When they do come it wont be soon enough.